From eating green to injuring your spleen, here is how you can keep your glow this festive season
Incredibly wiser, after being deluged with articles on how to sweat off/ grunt off/ starve off the festival pounds, I have compiled my own list of die-before-I-fail tips to look gaunt and glowing through this festival season – from Dusshera to the New Year.
1. Eat anything green. The greener, the healthier. And how splendidly environment-friendly of you! Stuff yourself with spinach and lettuce while everyone else is eating kaju katli. To distract yourself, turn your attention to the host’s beautiful ferns. Green! Eat the ferns. By the time you have progressed to eating cacti, you will be rushed to the hospital, have a stomach pump and lose five kilos instantly, and another 10 because your colon is now perforated by thorns.
2. All the exercise you need is in your head. No one told you that before? Simple — shake your head from side to side. Would you like some plum cake? No. Patties? No. French fries? No. Are you enjoying the party? No.
3. Light your lamps and diyas on the terrace. That way, every time a breeze blows them out, you need to run upstairs to light them again. You will do a thigh-toning, lung-enhancing, calorie-burning run up and down the stairs, 52 times per evening.
4. Get a kitten. Your kitten will climb the walls and bring down the family portraits, swing on the curtains and create new lacy patterns, get entangled in the string of lights and short-circuit the house, pull down the table cloth with everything on it, shred the party attire hung out ready to wear. (This is a true story). You will spend hours cleaning, scrubbing, repairing (both kitten and house). Your guests will arrive while you’re sweating it out, and ask you what the secret of your glowing skin is, while cuddling the purring kitten.
5. Borrow my weighing scale. It is already set to cheat, and shows you five kilos lighter.
6. Accept party invites to places on the periphery of the city. That way, you will be stuck in traffic and arrive when all the food is over. Remember, there will always be ferns.
7. Eat what you want. Feel guilty. Hate yourself. Promise to go on a diet. Cheat on your diet on Day 2. Promise to go running. Blame the sun/rain/ bad shoes/ bad knees for not. Post a pic on social media of you from 10 years back. Everyone will comment on how slim and gorgeous you still look, and ask how. Be generous. While tucking into leftover ladoos, give them these die-before-I-lie tips.
Where Jane De Suza, author of Flyaway Boy, pokes her nose into our perfect lives.